Have you ever looked back and all of a sudden you see everything differently?
I knew a musician who’s a friend of a friend. I enjoyed his music and we talked a bit at a party. I thought he gave out an air of naivite and insophistication. Now I think I missed the chance of getting to know a really talented and thoughtful musician.
I had a college mate who I used to perceive as a competition (and vice versa) and who always followed what I did which is a huge turnoff. We hung out again after a long while. Now I think he is as lost as I am if not more, and has always been trying his best to figure things out as everyone else.
I spent 4 years in college, 4 years in law school, 1 year in grad school continuing to study law. I used to think career is everything to me. Now, I am so certain that I am not cut out for this law thing, and on the very opposite, being a lawyer consumes me, and I’m committing career suicide by a thousand cuts.
I couldn’t believe I once said banks are the victims in many lawsuits because they have deep pockets. Neither could I believe I once believe people in BigLaw are nice. I was so determined to become a good commercial lawyer once. Can you believe it.
My identity is so intertwined with what I do and my education. Now that I despise it, I am not sure who I am and what I am, and trying to redefine it is just so hard (but I haven’t stopped trying). But hey, better late than never.
I tried so hard during my last decade to make a decent living and valued intellectuality over any other qualities. Now I just wish I can be kind, be a real human being (I’m trying), and wish people around me can be the same, because people with good education and privilege can be such jerks.
I used to think people who cannot discuss politics or law are kind of boring and unworthy of having a conversation with; now I think I was actually the one who probably bored the crowd.
I used to wonder why I cannot sustain a romantic relationship beyond 2 years and why many of my dates disappeared after first few dates. Now I realized I could not date myself either because I would have bored myself to death too with all those “intellectual” jibber jabber.
I used to hide the fact that I was equally broken, screwed up, alcoholic, clueless in life as anyone. I tried to pretend to have everything fogured out. I finally stopped hiding.
…
I guess the only constant is that I still see freedom as the most important thing in my life, even though I am still working for someone else and still seem to be in the gutter, and even though there is perhaps no free will in the world at all. It’s okay. At least I have a north star somewhere out there to look at. At least after turning 30, I can start being true to myself, to who I really am.
What prompted all these changes, you asked? Nothing, it’s only time.